BY Lux Alptraum
June 15, 2007
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When I was twenty-one, I ended my first serious relationship. How serious was it? We’d been together for over three years, and had three leases’ worth of cohabitation under our belts.

Yeah, it was pretty serious. And, not surprisingly, the breakup was more than a bit messy. Beyond the broken lease, there was the matter of some of my stuff ending up at my ex’s new apartment — a situation that required a whole lot of harassment (including shutting off his email and calling in my dad for intimidation purposes) to arrive at resolution.

If only I’d had access to The Retrievers! Sure, it’s passive aggressive and probably illegal, but the thought of being able to send someone in to retrieve a very special item (in my case, a VHS tape of Muckafurgason on “Showtime at the Apollo” and my towels) is pretty appealing. I mean, yeah: we all try to be on speaking terms with our exes, and try to end things in a mature, adult manner… but when that strategy doesn’t work out, it’s nice to have a backup plan.