BY Lux Alptraum
July 4, 2007
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Actually, Vibrators Are Family Friendly

Yesterday we made the offhand comment that vibrators hate families (and as a result, “family friendly” companies like Proctor & Gamble hate vibrators). But, you know, that’s not true at all: vibrators love families. Vibrators are good for families. Vibrators may, in fact, be one of the most family friendly things out there.

Don’t believe us? Shame on you! As proof, we’ve come up with a list of reasons why vibrators are family friendly. Keep reading, and consider yourself educated.

  • Vibrators make women happy. Vibrators give ladies orgasms. Orgasms have all sorts of pleasant side effects, like relaxation and increased happiness. Relaxed, happy ladies make better moms.
  • Vibrators make men happy. Vibrators are often viewed as being exclusively for women: not so! Men can use (and enjoy!) vibrators — and some companies even make vibrators specifically for men. See #10 for why vibrators making men happy is good for families.
  • Vibrators are good for relationships. Eventually, no matter how attracted you are to a person, the novelty of sex with them is bound to wear off (NY Times gives you three years). There’s a reason why sex toys are sometimes referred to as marital aids: introducing a vibrator into one’s sex life can, uh, spice things up, which in turn can strengthen the relationship and make it last longer. Stronger, longer lasting relationships are… good for families!
  • Vibrators help prevent teen pregnancy. Imagine what a different world we’d live in if masturbation were encourage, supported, and put forth as a healthy option for young people. Imagine if instead of rushing to have sex, teens were masturbating (and using vibrators!), and waiting to have sex until they were mature enough to actually handle the responsibility and use a condom (or other contraceptive method). There’d probably be a lot fewer teen pregnancies: and since teen pregnancies tend to lead to family strife, we’re going to assume that fewer teen pregnancies = family friendly!
  • Vibrators are totally awesome. Um, nuff said.

Man, all this talk of vibrators is making me want to… go find my vibrator. Happy Indepe