BY Lux Alptraum
January 15, 2008
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The first time we heard about “Teeth,” an upcoming movie about a woman with teeth in her vagina (or, for the smarties out there, vagina dentata), we found ourselves praying that the whole thing was just a big joke. Please, we thought, let this be a witty satire on misogynist, anti-sex fears — let this be a movie that’s actually mocking the idea that women’s genitals are a dangerous, forbidden place.

Let this be a movie that’s — somehow — actually smart about sex.

But then we saw the trailer for the film, and (through Jezebel), the first five minutes of it, and pretty much any hopes we may have had about a subversive, feminist horror comedy were pretty much dashed. From the trailer’s first pull quote (”The most alarming cautionary tale for men… since ‘Fatal Attraction…’”) to scenes of the protagonist dishing out pro-abstinence rhetoric — well, let’s just say we’re pretty sure we know how this one unfolds.

And it’s probably not in a way that involves a pro-sex, body-positive message about how women should love and cherish their bodies and sex parts. Yeah, we’re just guessing on that one — but we have a pretty strong hunch that we’re going to turn out to be right.