Over at Boinkology HQ, we’re no strangers to polyamory — nor are we strangers to the fact that the mainstream media tends to view this relationship style as sick, delusional, or just plain weird. Hence our surprise at Colette DeDonato’s personal essay discussing her experience with open marriage, which appeared in this Sunday’s New York Times: unlike most mainstream coverage of nonmonogamy, the piece is thoughtful, honest, and actually open minded about the idea of alternative relationships.
Though DeDonato ultimately comes to the conclusion that nonmonogamy is not for her, she offers many compelling arguments for nonmonogamy along the way. The expectation of lifelong fidelity is idealistic at best, and woefully misguided at worst; an open relationship, she argues, offers couples the opportunity to explore other options while still remaining emotionally honest and true to one another.
We don’t believe that any one relationship structure — monogamy, polyamory, or something in between — can, or should, work for everyone. Seeing a piece that acknowledges this sentiment is a nice break from the message of compulsory monogamy that permeates our culture.
[Photo by scarequotes]
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It’s nice to read of a non-maddeningly annoying Modern Love column…cause you never what you’re going to get when you open that up Sunday morning…
February 4th, 2008 at 2:19 pmNonmonogamy is not for me, but at the same time, if my hypothetical girl needs variety and spice and difference, I am not going to end a relationship because of that.
I am a firm believer in fuzzy boundaries and pragmatism. Life is about more than one way of doing things, and I would never fault anyone for wanting to find what works for them.
February 4th, 2008 at 4:15 pmFor me, it’s more about recognizing that the assumption that we will only be attracted to one person for the span of our adult lives is a wee bit unrealistic. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to have an open relationship, or take on other partners, (since, as DeDonato notes, that comes with its own set of problems) — but just being able to have a conversation about having a crush on someone, or being frustrated with monogamy, seems like it can do a relationship a world of good.
February 4th, 2008 at 4:37 pmI most definitely agree that, while I don’t know whether I could be nonmonogamous or not as I’ve never experienced it, being able to openly talk about sexuality, if you find someone else attractive, etc. can very much help a relationship from being too strained with the notion that, once you’re in a relationship, other people cease to be attractive to you. It just doesn’t work that way.
February 4th, 2008 at 5:14 pmRecogninzing one´s innermost (disgustingly anti”social”) desires is way to heavy for most people to tolerate, let alone act upon them realizing thats exactly who and what they are.
Its nice and cozy in Neverland.
February 4th, 2008 at 10:45 pmtoo
February 4th, 2008 at 10:46 pmLeave a reply :