David Seaman, the ex-Jezebel intern who was fired after throwing a Free Paris Hilton rally outside Gawker HQ, had his story on “How to Sleep with 1,000 Women in One Week” picked up by College Humor. Here are, in short, his five easy steps and my interpretation of each one:
1. Establish alpha male dominance. 1,000 ladies in one week? You’ll have to rape a lot of ladies there, Mr. Seaman!
2. Develop physical rapport as quickly as possible. Yes, tell them to shut the fuck up or you’ll stab them…
3. Wear Crocs. Wait, what?
4. Brag about your “contacts” in the “industry”. Tell them you’re in the mob and you’ll kill their whole family if they rat you out.
5. Hair gel. And when you’re dragged into the police lineup don’t wear any, that will really throw them off.
Read the complete list here.
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Comments
Ugh. I loathe people who think of sex as a zero-sum game.
February 20th, 2008 at 12:05 pmI don’t know. Something feels off here. Have you ever heard the phrase, “Punching down?” That’s what this feels like. A bit. Like Lux shouldn’t be wasting her time deconstructing this dude’s (or should I say Bro’s)misanthropic little screed (which seems designed less for literary/entertainment value and more for creating a pretense for him to begin a conversation with a hot female bartender by saying, “Yeah, so I just got published…”
It’s just giving free publicity to something that doesn’t deserve it. I feel dirty.
February 20th, 2008 at 1:00 pmHey Xorn, are you a moron?
It was published in COLLEGEHUMOR, not the fucking New York Times. I pounded that out in about fifteen minutes because I almost got into a fight with some douchebag pickup artist over Valentine’s Day weekend and it got me thinking. But thanks for thinking about how I’ll approach those “hot females” — I’ll keep your brilliant idea in mind.
Lux, who sounds like a deranged relative of Lex Luthor btw, should have picked a better photo, but otherwise who cares. Funny shit all around.
February 20th, 2008 at 1:13 pmXORN : Lux didn’t write this post, I did. That’s one of many differences between her and I, she would never waste her time deconstructing this dudes misanthropic little screed. I however LOVE wasting my time doing such things.
But I’m sure both Lux and I would like making you feel dirty…
February 20th, 2008 at 1:25 pmOops…my bad for not reading the by-line. You’ll have to forgive me, I’m in a really bad mood. Last night I met this smokin’ NYU chick and I threw a drink in her face while wearing my orange crocs and she still wouldn’t fuck me.
February 20th, 2008 at 2:04 pmno hair gel?, well then that’s your problem, you need be gellin like a felon
February 20th, 2008 at 2:52 pmWorst part is that considering the ammount of moronic girls (since its a human trait, dont jump my throat! its boinkologically correct!), those rules probably do work.
February 20th, 2008 at 6:53 pmOk, there are 168 hours in a week. Assume the equivalent of 4 hours of sleep in every 24. That leaves 140 hours for sex. Assume an unrealistically rapid male refractory time of 5 minutes after each ejaculation. With 1000 women, that takes up 5,000 minutes, or 83 hours and 20 minutes, leaving 56 hours and 40 minutes to get nasty. Dividing that time by 1000 women, and assuming that the woman are exchanged assembly-line fashion during the refractory period, that leaves only 3 minutes and 24 seconds per fuck.
February 21st, 2008 at 12:33 amThat’s a lot of math there Patrick and congrats on working that all out, but the title is, “How to SLEEP with 1000 women in one week”. So now you can add a lot of time to your 4 hours of daily sleep.
March 3rd, 2008 at 12:24 pmLeave a reply :