The Nice Guy That Wasn’t
Why do nice guys always finish last? In more than a few cases, it’s because self-described “nice guys” are actually passive-aggressive jerks who expect women to fall on their knees and start blowing them after five minutes of conversation about puppies and how much they care about their mom.
Um, not that we know anyone like that.
Still confused about the difference between nice guys and “nice guys”? Rachel Nabors has a wee guide for the confused.
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Comments
In high school and college I was totally a “nice guy.” I didn’t mean to be; I was just utterly socially inept and had no idea had to interact with women. So I thought being supportive and funny and self-deprecating and the shoulder to cry on would somehow “earn” me a spot as their boyfriend eventually. Like if I was their bestest buddy ever, one day they’d just have this spontaneous epiphany where they went, “Hey, let me take you home to meet my parents — then give you unlimited butt sex.”
And I did feel hurt, humiliated, and angry when that didn’t work out and they chose to see/fuck someone else, like my best friend. It took two excruciatingly painful experiences (for me and the female friend) for me to figure out that that’s not how it worked. So, yeah, I was one of those “nice guys,” sadly. (But I never stooped so low as to bring puppies into the discussion.)
Fortunately, I eventually figured out the errors of my ways and finally broke the “nice guy” cycle, to the great releif of everyone around me and my penis. Now, I’m just a douchebag, and a better person for it.
April 3rd, 2008 at 12:36 pmXORN: This is why I’m a jerk first and then I let up later. Also I’m kinda crazy and have a tendency to drink too much.
April 3rd, 2008 at 1:03 pmRichard:
You, drink too much? NEVER.
April 3rd, 2008 at 1:45 pm“nice guy” here too.
Sometimes i feel like im a collector of sorts. or shorts
April 3rd, 2008 at 2:50 pmBack when I was dating, I always avoided a specific subtype of the “nice guy.” They weren’t in it for the sex, exactly, but rather because they thought that’s how you treat girls: flowers, candy, opening doors, paying for dinner, deferring to her every wish. The problem is that those same guys have ideas about how you treat wives: patriarchal, controlling, man-of-the-house, bring home the bacon while the wife takes care of the home. Traditional courtship leads to a traditional marriage.
No thanks.
April 3rd, 2008 at 4:15 pmHuh…
I dunno… I do my best to be nice without quotations, just because it has made life easier overall. Really, sex is great, but you should not look at it as the endgame. Really, there isn’t an endgame, when it comes to women or life in general. Smile, and try to be pleasant, and realize that absolutely none of us have any idea as to what we want, most of the time.
But that’s just my opinion.
April 3rd, 2008 at 5:01 pmi’m glad people are talking about this phenomenon. these dudes are also often the same ones who are all, ‘but you said you wanted a sensitive man!’ but they don’t understand that we don’t want men who are oversensitive to things they think are happening ‘to them’. we want men who pay attention to the world and are sensitive to the needs of others.
it reminds me of dawson’s creek, where dawson was ‘tragically nice’ and you were supposed to really believe that, but the writers managed to make a really believable complete asshole instead, because they didn’t even realize he was an asshole!
seriously, dawson’s creek was like an arthur miller play where the main character, in his infinite lack of self awareness, destroys the lives of everyone around them. but you know arthur miller intended those fuckers to be sympathetic and ‘tragic’. but really, just fucking assholes.
April 3rd, 2008 at 6:30 pmThing to remember is : They dont do it on porpuse, its just their pathetic lil way of getting some affection.
Over an over again, cause when care is too close, it gets scary. so bubye, i rather stay whole.
April 3rd, 2008 at 6:41 pm[...] BOINKOLOGY | The Nice Guy That Wasn’t “Self-described ‘nice guys’ are actually passive-aggressive jerks who expect women to fall on their knees and start blowing them after five minutes of conversation about puppies and how much they care about their mom.” (tags: heh assholes sexism) [...]
April 6th, 2008 at 6:42 pmISIL: I think there are some “nice guys” who do do it intentionally…who use the nice, sensitive guy angle as a deliberate “in.” But I agree there are a great many who *think* they’re pursuing some logical (even noble) course to get into a relationship, get sex, whatever. Unfortunately, the ones who don’t realize they’re doing it can be the most passive/aggressive and melt-downy, when things don’t work out as they expect.
THE SCOOT: I don’t think that anyone is speaking out against niceness per se; I am still quite nice, even though I am no longer a “nice guy.” I think the issue is the use of niceness — consciously or subconciously — as a means to an end. It’s not about being nice for nice’s sake, but rather about…well, really, manipulation to one degree or another. The “nice guy” isn’t in it to really be her friend (whether he realize it or not) but because he sees the friend angle as a way to accumulate fuck/relationship points to be cashed in later. The real nice guy is nice with no thought of reward.
There’s almost an anthropological study to be done of “nice guys” that would codify the different sub-species: the socially, inept suck-up; the disingeneous “sensitive guy” himbo; the traditionalist “nice guy,” who is basically a closet chauvenist (as described by ANOMIE). There are probably more…and I wonder if there is a female counterpart to the “nice guy”?
What’s interesting is that this phenomenon never really gets discussed…in fact, the ignored “friend” usually gets lionized in pop culture which I think further reinforces the idea in the unwitting “nice guy’s” mind that he is doing the right thing. There should be a chapter on this in Health class texts or whatever it is that passes for sex/relationship education these days. Maybe Rachel Nabors’ cartoon could be blown up into one of those classroom posters. (Seriously.)
April 6th, 2008 at 7:06 pmIf you are anything other than yourself in the beginning, your true self will come out eventually anyway.
Best to just wing it, while being conscious of when you’re being an asshole.
April 8th, 2008 at 11:35 pmThat is the best little comic ever. That’s the perfect difference between a nice guy and a “nice guy.” I don’t think it could have been done better unless it went on for longer and turned into a larger comic.
What really makes the difference is the sense of entitlement. Someone who genuinely cares about you wants what’s best for you, but most “nice guys” are coming from that masculine sense of entitlement that goes “That ass is mine.” This means that if the ass that the “nice guy” thinks he owns does something that doesn’t fit his paradigm then he’s got the right to be possessive.
April 10th, 2008 at 12:36 am[...] enough to consider to date you. It’s also possible that you have unknowingly have become the nice guy that wasn’t. Either way it doesn’t matter why, you shouldn’t want to be with someone who really [...]
April 14th, 2008 at 10:01 amdamn. thats how it works.
April 18th, 2008 at 10:35 pmLeave a reply :