BY Lux Alptraum
May 5, 2008
265 views
1 Comment

This weekend, the New York Times published the winner of their Modern Love College Essay Contest, Marguerite Fields’s “Want to Be My Boyfriend? Please Define,” described as “an eloquent, clear-eyed account of her generation’s often noncommittal dating scene.”

We’re pretty suspicious of any one essay that claims to summarize the state of dating among a generation, but for those of you who are in college, or headed to college, or curious about college, we’ve pulled out the important points of this essay for you:

College kids have a hard time labeling their relationships. “Recently my mother asked me to clarify what I meant when I said I was dating someone, versus when I was hooking up with someone, versus when I was seeing someone. And I had trouble answering her because the many options overlap and blur in my mind.”

College kids aren’t into the monogamy. “Steven explained that it’s not a question of faithfulness but of expectation. He can’t be expected not to want to sleep with other people, so he can’t expect her to think differently. They are both young and living in New York, and as everyone in New York knows, there’s the possibility of meeting anyone, everywhere, all the time.”

… except maybe they actually are. “[W]hen my friends and I started having a conversation about the nature of monogamy, I thought I knew something about monogamy. Because, despite the fleeting nature of most of my encounters, and despite my own role in their short duration, I think what I have been seeking in some form from all of these men is permanence.”

No wait, they definitely aren’t. “[N]oncommittal is what we’re all about.”

Girls want things from boys, boys shy away. “As we ate, we theorized about the effects of pornography on romantic relationships. Dinner ended; he had to go pack for his trip. I asked casually when I was going to see him again.

He sighed. ‘That’s a loaded question.’”

Girls feel pressure to behave in a certain way that may not actually line up with how they want to behave. “I tried to remember that I was actively seeking to practice some Zenlike form of nonattachment. I tried to remember that no one is my property and neither am I theirs, and so I should just enjoy the time we spend together, because in the end it’s our collected experiences that add up to a rich and fulfilling life. I tried to tell myself that I’m young, that this is the time to be casual, careless, lighthearted and fun; don’t ruin it.”

In sum: college kids don’t want to be monogamous, except some of them do. Girls maybe want to have boyfriends, but actually are totally cool with this noncommittal “hook up” culture that maybe they have to talk themselves into being happy with.

Wow, this generation is totally unique and unlike any we’ve seen before. Or, you know, not.

[Photo by poeloq]