May 28, 2008
Why You Should Masturbate Before Your Date

Are you feeling a little nervous about your big date tonight? Maybe it’s because you haven’t choked the chicken, spanked the monkey, or flogged the dolphin. Trust us, it’s important to masturbate before your date.

When you’re on a date, especially a first date, the last thing that should be on your mind is having sex with the person. When you’re horribly horny and all you want to do is tussle with your muscle, it’s pretty difficult to listen to anything your date might be saying — and thus they’ll perceive you as a bad listener.

Without visiting Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters, you run the risk that your dirty mind will keep going back to topics too sexual to be discussed on a first date. For example, your date might be discussing a “long and hard” day at work, and your only reply would be a shallow, “That’s what she said.”

This scene from the movie There’s Something About Mary puts it best. Going out on a big date without spanking the monkey first is like going out with a loaded gun:

Tenderizing your meat isn’t the only way to remain relaxed and confident before any big date, you can also put Gold Bond on your balls and/or have a few drinks before you leave your place. [Ed. This goes for the ladies too. Except the part about Gold Bond.]

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  • The Girl says :

    I’d add that women need to jack off before dates too, but that just sounds crude. We don’t jack, we fiddle. Or frig. Or have a kit-kat shuffle. Oh fuck it: we wank before going out too, alright?

  • Jackin’ the Beansta… says :

    [...] on a big date without spanking the monkey first is like going out with a loaded gun….” Boinkology Topics: Continuing Education | Leave a Comment [...]

  • Yes says :

    Yes. I am Dr.Vag and I can confirm the importance of Stroking ones salami prior to a date.

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Lux Alptraum
Monica Shores