Reader Submitted
June 20, 2008
1,251 views
6 Comments

SUBMITTED BY XORN SMITH: Nazis. Thuggee death cults. Still more Nazis. KGB agents.

What do they all have in common? Two things: Indiana Jones fought them and they’re all pretty terrifying.

After raking in $150 million domestically over Memorial Day Weekend, Harrison and Shia are gonna need someone to battle in the next movie. While the smart money is on either Maoists or (surprise!) more Nazis, I personally think Indy should take on the sexualization of the coffee industry.

(Hey, tenuous but shameless tie-ins aren’t just for the Sex and the City movie , they can be for Boinkology contributors too.)

As this CNN report makes plain, sexxed up coffee houses aren’t just uncouth and possibly unsanitary, they are quite literally terrifying.

For those who want to skip the video, I’ll summarize: Mrs. Tawnya McLavey stopped by the Hot Chic-A-Latte for a cup of joe. (Yes, it’s actually called “Hot Chic-A-Latte.”) Her kids were in the car. Although she was served at the drive thru by a woman in a bikini, through the window, her kids saw a barista wearing only pasties from the waist up. Mrs. McLavey is now organizing a sardonic clothing drive for the baristas in question and those at Cowgirls Espresso, another bikini coffee house in the same town. (They needed two?)

Allow me to quote Mrs. McLavey: “Seeing a barista just in pasties, you know, out in the open, on a busy road, it’s just TERRIFYING.”

Let’s not dwell on the fact that the pasty-wearing woman wasn’t so much out in the open as in a building. Because the more important point here is that semi-topless baristas are terrifying. And, since we’ve already established above that Indiana Jones fights terrifying things, before you can say “Oh Great Bearded Flannel One,” I think you’ve got the villain for the next movie.

Move over Dr. Spalko. Take a break Toht. Rip someone else’s heart out Mola Ram. Cause Candy’s breasts are 87% exposed and she has a cappuchino machine of death.

In all seriousness, while it’s easy enough to make fun of Mrs. McLavey, I honestly know where she’s coming from. Just last week I took my little nephews and niece to Hooters and I swear we could see our waitress’s erect nipples through her taut white tank top. I immediately demanded to see the manager and gave her an earful about making sure all the waitresses were wearing bras. What did she think I was coming to Hooters for — the tits?

I was almost ready to leave again when the four-year-old caught sight of a quarter of an ass cheek as another waitress bent over the fountain drink dispenser, but I decided to let it go after they gave me free extra blue cheese with my buffalo shrimp and a complimentary Hooters bib for my two-year-old niece.

Still, the point shouldn’t be lost on anyone. This is America: we have the right to take kids to a Hooters or the Hot Chic-A-Latte or to the businessmen’s buffet at the Go-Go-Rama without having to worry about their innocent minds being corrupted by the sight of partial tittage.

It can be particularly damaging for young children to see partially exposed breasts because they’re at an age where they have not yet developed a sexual fixation on bosoms but are too old to associate breasts with feeding. As such, they may be tempted to see breasts as simply a natural and beautiful part of the female form — one that is not associated with sex or food and that…um…wait…yeah, damaging, it can be very damaging — really fucking damaging in fact — as several, uh, really, really important studies have shown.

So mind where you take your kids for coffee or hot wings, because partially exposed breasts are out there and they want your children. And if you should happen to encounter a nearly bare tit, be sure to pass on to your kids Indy’s advice about the Lost Ark: “Don’t look at! Whatever you do, keep your eyes shut!”

[Photo by coffeegeek]