August 4, 2008
CollarUp: The Answer To A Problem You Didn’t Know You Had

Apparently, there are just tons of people out there who are avoiding sex out of a fear of THE AIDS. Sure, they could just use condoms — but what if the condom slips or (gasp!) falls off? Medical science may have shown that those are pretty rare occurrences, but why listen to science when you can listen to irrational panic? Clearly, we need a solution for this pseudoproblem.

Enter CollarUp, the answer to the problem you didn’t know you had. A lightweight elastic band, CollarUp wraps around the waist and attaches at the base of the penis, keeping the base of the condom in place. That kind of security for only $12.95? Amazing!

And it gets better. Just look at these totally legit testimonials:

I thought that I was safe from venereal disease simply because I consider myself a good person: thought that I was too good and too safe to get any sexual disease, especially AIDS. After all, I am married. I mean, it’s not like I sleep around and neither does my husband, but that didn’t matter to AIDS because I’ve been diagnosed with it, or at least, right now, it’s HIV.

Through a series of unfortunate events, I got a bad blood transfusion, an AIDS laced transfusion, and now my world, our world, is not what it used to be. As a result, our love life was almost non existent. Me and my husband are relatively young and our sex life was robust. After the diagnosis, we were afraid: afraid that through an act of love, I might murder my husband. Of course we used condoms, but we really couldn’t get into it because there was always the fear that the condom would come down or slip off, and those fearful thoughts affected everything.

Then, one day, a friend of ours told us about this new invention that he had heard about. He said that it was a collar for condoms. Well, to make a long story short, we got a hold of one, tried it, and now our love life is as robust as it used to be. We’ve really put the collar to the test and, so far, it hasn’t let us down. Thanks for giving us our love life back!

- Michele, B (Baltimore, Maryland)

Now, just for the record, a condom slipping down doesn’t actually increase your risk of getting HIV, chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhea, or pregnant — but a condom breaking will. And call us crazy, but an elastic band, pulling a condom taut? Why, that sounds like just the kind of thing that might make a condom break.

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  • Ellie says :

    Didn’t you have to get a blood transfusion before 1985 to have a chance of contracting HIV from it? I love the shaming implicit in this, people that got HIV from sex never deserve to have sex again but this woman is innocent and now has a cheap piece of plastic to wrap around her husband. I love fake testimonials!

  • Lux Alptraum says :


    Yeah, exactly. Somehow, this woman didn’t have sex for twenty years, but is still a part of a “young couple,” and even though HIV kept her too afraid to have sex for those twenty years, now that she’s got this rubber band to keep things in place, everything is peachy keen.

  • Enamor says :

    Also note that it hasn’t in over 23 years matured into AIDS.

  • Wendy Blackheart says :

    Well, at least it will be fun to see what sort of pervy uses people can use this for!

    I couldn’t take anyone wearing one seriously. I’d so be reaching around to snap the back part, like a bra.

  • Lux Alptraum says :


    Now that’s something I’d like to see.

  • Loren Roderick says :

    Its kind of like a cock leash… with consequences if they don’t stay close and you let go…

    Though I bet you could make a great slingshot out of it.

  • Aaron says :

    Wow, I guess that gives a whole new meaning to my rubber broke… (bad pun, I know…lol)

  • al oof says :

    i think it’s a cockring for people too embarrassed to buy cockrings. or some more fetishy even. you know, like how they sell ‘back massagers’ shaped like penises so you can buy them through the mail or the drugstore and not be seen necessarily as a perv?

  • College Candy » Can… says :

    [...] (extra) safe sex. You know, just to be abso-freaking-lutely [...]

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