Apparently, there are just tons of people out there who are avoiding sex out of a fear of THE AIDS. Sure, they could just use condoms — but what if the condom slips or (gasp!) falls off? Medical science may have shown that those are pretty rare occurrences, but why listen to science when you can listen to irrational panic? Clearly, we need a solution for this pseudoproblem.
Enter CollarUp, the answer to the problem you didn’t know you had. A lightweight elastic band, CollarUp wraps around the waist and attaches at the base of the penis, keeping the base of the condom in place. That kind of security for only $12.95? Amazing!
And it gets better. Just look at these totally legit testimonials:
I thought that I was safe from venereal disease simply because I consider myself a good person: thought that I was too good and too safe to get any sexual disease, especially AIDS. After all, I am married. I mean, it’s not like I sleep around and neither does my husband, but that didn’t matter to AIDS because I’ve been diagnosed with it, or at least, right now, it’s HIV.
Through a series of unfortunate events, I got a bad blood transfusion, an AIDS laced transfusion, and now my world, our world, is not what it used to be. As a result, our love life was almost non existent. Me and my husband are relatively young and our sex life was robust. After the diagnosis, we were afraid: afraid that through an act of love, I might murder my husband. Of course we used condoms, but we really couldn’t get into it because there was always the fear that the condom would come down or slip off, and those fearful thoughts affected everything.
Then, one day, a friend of ours told us about this new invention that he had heard about. He said that it was a collar for condoms. Well, to make a long story short, we got a hold of one, tried it, and now our love life is as robust as it used to be. We’ve really put the collar to the test and, so far, it hasn’t let us down. Thanks for giving us our love life back!
– Michele, B (Baltimore, Maryland)
Now, just for the record, a condom slipping down doesn’t actually increase your risk of getting HIV, chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhea, or pregnant — but a condom breaking will. And call us crazy, but an elastic band, pulling a condom taut? Why, that sounds like just the kind of thing that might make a condom break.