Comments

• Isil says :

  Puuff, garret garret, you sure pick easy going topics

  If you read french or spanish (or can find an english version) i totally suggest you to read

  “L’hysterique, Le Sexe Et Le Medecin” by Lucien Israel.

  Among other very interesting things he deals with rape fantasies from a psychoanalitic point of view, even hinting that many real rapes are actually “looked for”/”induced” by the so called victim.

  The typical “i was walking half nude through a desolated street in a dangereous neighbourhood, damn rapist” paradoxical scenario.

  Or as Al Bundy would put it, love and hate go together like a horse and carriage.

  September 11th, 2008 at 11:32 am
• Xorn Smith says :

  When I was in college I had a friend who I wanted to fuck (well, actually several of them, none of whom ever obliged) and we got to talking one night and she brought up her rape fantasy and it completely turned me off her. I was seriously wigged by what she described — and that, to be clear, was a testament to my own immaturity not to the nature of her fantasy.

  It’s probably one of the few sexual things that really freaked me. I mean there are things I’m just not into (e.g., scat) but I’m not freaked out by. But the rape fantasy still gives me pause now even as I’ve tried to understand it and accept it as one of many kinks that makes the world go round.

  In my friend’s case, what she described was actually very tender…just forced, if that makes any sense. Looking back, maybe for her it was about abandoning responsibility for her sexuality. That the “rape” absolved her of “blame” for her sexual feelings. She came from a conservative religious background and I think maybe that was part of what it was about.

  As to my feelings…I’d put it this way: I’m an imposing guy physically. I don’t say that bragging and I don’t mean I’m a weightlifting adonis or anything. More just kind of big and thuggish. Always have been. And it’s amazing how often you find yourself intimidating people unintentionally.

  I’m not a huge fan of Quentin Tarantino, but he hit something on the head in an interview he did once with Playboy. He described how you can be a guy and you’re walking down the street at night alone and suddenly a woman turns onto the same street and you’re walking behind her and you can tell she’s a little freaked by you and you start slowing down because now you’re getting freaked that she’s freaked. And then she gets more freaked that you’re changing your pace and you start to freak more and on and on.

  A lot of my life feels like that. The other night I went into a 24 hour CVS in the barrens of the suburbs late at night and there were two women behind the pharmacy counter and I just felt a tense, palpable wariness as I walked up to them. Then I asked about asthma medicine and everyone kind of calmed down.

  So what I guess I’m driving at is probably the rape fantasy wigs me because it represents fulfilling those worst expectations.

  Also maybe, deep down, I’m afraid I might like it. And here I might disagree slightly with Garret: I don’t think the rape fantasy “sweeps away concern for anything other than sexual release.” I think the fantasy very much is about the mode and method that you take to the release, the release is actually more secondary than in vanilla sex. For me, if I tried it, I would mainly be focused on breaking the fundamental taboo of taking sexual pleasure *by* force (different than *through* force as in other types of BDSM). And violating that taboo, from the male side, is the thing I can’t face and am not sure I want to, even if the force is faked.

  Again, I’m just trying to share one perspective and my own hang ups aren’t meant as a condemnation of people who safely find pleasure in this particular fantasy.

  September 11th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
• Angus says :

  Maybe it’s something in being male, but I have a gut reaction towards rape (IT IS WRONG) that I’d find extremely hard to repress, even if a safe word was involved, and everything was known to be just in play. I’ve always been big, and I’m getting much stronger, and with that comes a feeling that protection is my highest duty.

  Maybe that’s just my problem.

  September 11th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
• Garrett says :

  @Xorn:

  I’m in a similar boat. I’m a large guy (again not a brag here, more like the thuggy looking bouncer type) and have been bigger than average my whole life. I’ve always striven to be gentle. Getting sideways glances from relatives when holding the baby or partners who think that I’m going to smash them during sex have made me more than a little skittish. I worry quite a bit about making people feel at ease.

  I guess that’s why when partners have brought this up I’ve had a similar “locking up/shutting down” reaction. But it struck me how many women I’ve been with, been friends with or just talked with have mentioned a “forced” fantasy at some point or another.

  @Isil:

  The easy ones aren’t nearly as thought-provoking. That’s why I love Boinkology, I can come here and always find a new question, a fresh take or spin on sexuality.

  That sentence sounds like it should be preceded by “Peter Travers of Rolling Stone raves…”

  September 12th, 2008 at 1:21 am
• Alexa says :

  Rape fantasies (largely) stem from a desire to be submissive in an exchange, while allowing for the removal of “responsibility” for it, if that makes sense. There are a few other rationales behind these kinds of fantasies, but the vast majority fall into this particular paradigm.

  Women, especially, use rape fantasy as a way to live out having wanton sex and “being taken” without having to be seen as a “slut” for wanting to be taken. It allows you to give up control, without really giving up control (since, in your mind, you still set the parameters of the fantasy – you can control whether you get hurt, or who the “rapist” is, for example).

  When you overlay on top of this the drive to be seen as “desirable,” in which your “rapist” simply cannot resist taking you (which, in and of itself, suggests a lack of understanding of the nature of true rape – not uncommon at all), I think it is pretty easy to see why these kinds of fantasies have such an allure for some women (and, indeed, for some men as well).

  And, like the guys on here who have issues with it, many women, too, experience a lot of shame over such fantasies because they don’t understand their source. There’s a difference between wanting to have submissiveness “forced” out of them and actually being raped (i.e., specifically the lack of consent). Rape fantasy = consensual nonconsent, if you will.

  I think once people understand this, it makes it much easier to deal with, especially if you’re a guy who’s with a woman who has these kinds of fantasies.

  The acting out of rape fantasy (more accurately known as “consensual force fantasy”) *must* be done with someone you can trust and with a clear understanding of the extent of play on both sides of the exchange, and include the use of safe words.

  September 12th, 2008 at 1:59 am
• Kisters says :

  Or not alexa , why cant you willingly consent that you are going to give yourself away to someone you dont know at all?

  September 12th, 2008 at 10:10 am
• Alexa says :

  Well, of course, you could, but you’d do so at your own peril, potentially.

  September 12th, 2008 at 11:30 am
• Some Schmoe says :

  Informative article on the subject of rape:
  http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/Rape

  September 14th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
• Lynn says :

  Ah man this is a tough one to admit but I am constantly overwhelmed with rape fantasies. I know its wrong and I feel bad for women that have been raped but this is something I cannot help. Whenever I am with my husband in order for me to get off I have to imagine that he is raping me. I have fantasies about my neighbor raping me or my friends husband. I have never been raped or molested as a child. I do not know where this comes from nor do I know how to get rid of it. I have tried to get men(before I was married) to force themselves onto me but non of them seemed to be turned on by it. And honestly that wouldn’t do it for me anyways because you cannot agree to rape, if you agree its not rape, its roleplay. And I fantasies about having no control over the situation. I guess I am just seriously messed up or something. But it is something I think of on a daily bases.

  October 10th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
• Noname says :

  Every person has their own set of reasons.

  For many women, it’s about being desired – they put a great deal of effort into their personal experience, and want to skip the ritual and not have to spend the effort directing their partner on how they should be loved.

  For others, it’s about a need to trust. This becomes more apparent in the ‘darker’ fantasies such as choking fetishes. The only sane explanation I’ve been able to agree on with women who explored it was they had a desire to place their life – and well-being – in another’s hands, quite literally.

  Humiliation seems to be its own turn on, and for its own sake… I can’t really claim to fathom the desire from the “victim’s” end, but it certainly makes up for a large number of fantasies.

  Those are really just a few. If you are seriously interested in discussing the matter with fairly sophisticated people, you may want to check out Elliquiy.

  May 13th, 2009 at 11:09 pm

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