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October 31, 2008
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The Bible’s Bad Reputation

I hope Cracked.com’s list of the most depraved biblical acts can finally lay to rest any lingering misconceptions about the Bible being boring. In addition to the unarguably trippy, talking bush-on-fire type moments and the way men are often rewarded for being total dicks (coughJacobcough), the Bible has plenty of steamy (and/or disturbing) moments that place it alongside The Pearl in terms of old time-y sexy reading. Expect “flagrant incest” (is there any other kind?) and partner swapping, among other shenanigans.

Although my memory of the Old Testament is rivaled in fogginess only by my memory of the New Testament, even I know that Song of Solomon is notoriously dirty—if you think consensual, loving sex is dirty—so I did a little digging around to see what less well known “adult” moments were left out. Courtesy of Yahoo answers, I bring you this awesomely nasty bit:

(Ezekiel 23:19-20)  Yet she increased her whorings, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of Egypt and lusted after her paramours there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose emission was like that of stallions.

Can I get a “hell yeah?” If there’s one thing I like more than whores, it’s unrepentant whores.

Enlighten us, readers: what other shocking moments were exempt from Cracked’s list? Don’t make us miss out just because we’re less pious!

[Via BeingAmberRhea, photo by geowombats]

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